When I first met with Happy Rebel Healing I didn't know what to expect. I was going out on a limb in pursuing psychedelic healing for the cPTSD I had struggled with nearly all my life but had only recently become aware of. I was so far out of my comfort zone in every step I took, literally, that I really had no expectations going in. I was just curious. I found Teresa (HRH Clinical Director) both tender and irreverent. Tender and kind as a listener to me and my story and what I was bringing with me. Irreverent about the silly things in life. And something about that combination, that dichotomy, made me feel comfortable and safe. This was a vibe I could resonate with! 

My comfort with the process and with Happy Rebel Healing solidified as she explored what kinds of support I have already on my side, and insisted that she would never offer a psychedelic to someone as a one-off quick fix. That it is important to see the medicine in the broader context of therapeutic and supported self-exploratory work, not as a magic cure that will make all the bad feelings go away. Teresa also reflected a deep trust in the medicine and in all the factors that can come together as one's journey unfolds. I resonated deeply with that as well. 

I was paired with a facilitator who has a medical background as well as training in psychedelic healing, and I was concerned about my current anti-depressant and anti-anxiety prescription regimen and potential counter effects with the psilocybin. She worked with me through each of my concerns and questions, while upholding and honoring all the work I had done with my psychiatrist to get to the relatively stable point that I was. It was that honoring of my previous work that instilled the beginnings of trust. 

When we had our first meeting she continued to honor all the years of therapy and work I had done to get to where I was. She held my journey with a tender care. And she respected my own agency in choosing exactly what to share and what to keep to myself. 

It also meant a lot for me to learn that the facilitators and other staff are there supporting one another through the work of facilitating; I had worried that maybe my trauma was too much for someone else to hear. 

Before my session could happen, we agreed I needed to taper down on several of the medications I was on. She encouraged me to work with my psychiatrist on the specifics of the tapering, again honoring where I was and how I had gotten there. I was anxious about this part of it, and during one of our prep sessions she reflected that I would "get to go on a journey before the journey." That phrase stuck with me and carried me through what was exactly that, a journey before my psychedelic journey. As the taper period went on I started experiencing the symptoms of my depression and anxiety anew. But instead of resisting them, I could hold them for what they were: symptoms, results of things that had happened to me a long time ago, that I still carried. Remembering this phrase from my facilitator enabled me to step back and see the bigger picture of my own story, even in the midst of debilitating symptoms, and hold them for the hurt and broken pieces that they were. And to be able to open myself to love and gratitude for them rather than trying to fight and beat them down to where (I thought) they couldn't hurt me.

My psychedelic journey is much harder to put into words, so I don't think I'll try. What I can say is that I feel I was well prepared. The prep sessions were perfect. The facility is phenomenal. During my trip it became clear that these folks knew exactly what they were doing when they made these spaces! Textures and patterns everywhere. Semi-abstract artistic motifs. Variants of ambiance. All of which sang to me during my trip. 

Finally, integration. While I am still deep in the broader process of integration, I found the integration sessions to be similarly helpful, just as the prep sessions were. One thing that has stood out for me was the three-phase post-journey arc of: learning & observing (myself), relating (immediate others), and, eventually, expanding into the community. This is a beautiful way to help me reflect on the whole thing, and what I'm moving toward.